Fire in the hole

Daggers. Hundreds of them. They sit poised just between the jagged shards of glass and just behind the pools of fiery gasoline that line my vocal cords. My body tenses to absorb the explosion of torture that comes with every swallow.

Sleep is not an option.

Is this what strep throat feels like?

I'll find out this afternoon.

Wish me luck.

Belly lint??

On one of our rare sunny days recently, I threw on a bikini, packed up a mini-chair, book, radio and some sunscreen and trudged the two flights of stairs up to the roof of my building in search of a tan. Knowing I would get hungry the moment I finished applying sunscreen, I also packed a granola bar and a bottle of water. Smart, huh?

Reclining into my green sun chair, I crunched into the granola bar and was a bit embarrassed to see a tiny crumb of granola roll down my chest and disappear into the canyon of my belly button. I have to say that the "navel" is an area of the body that's always grossed me out. It's the leftover knot where once a life-giving hose was attached. Needless to say, I really didn't want to have to go digging in this mysterious crevice for a miniscule food item.

Not to attract the attention of my fellow sunbathers, I remained in the reclining position and brushed my hand down my belly in an attempt to dislodge the offending item. The crumb flew up in the air momentarily and then immediately disappeared once again...kind of like an ant on a trampoline.

After a few minutes of unsuccessful (but highly entertaining) brushing, I rolled over to my side and out skipping the bit of granola. At the same time, the sun went behind some newly arrived clouds and my fun in the sun was over.

I tried to avoid the concerned look of my neighboring sunbather as I quickly collected my belongings and retreated to my apartment for the evening.

Bulls-eye

I'm sitting here at my desk with my mouth hanging open and staring at one of the TVs in our lobby.

The reason for my shock?

A manager for the Sears Tower (my office location) has just said that the Sears Tower is no more a target than any other building in the city or the country.

Um, what?!?!?!

So, why did the FBI just arrest a bunch of hoodlums in Miami who were trying to concoct a plan to blow up my place of business??

Let me guess...These goofballs held a meeting in their Florida warehouse where they randomly pulled out a map of the US, closed their eyes, spun around a few times and blindly pointed to the Sears Tower?!?!?

Kind of a terrorist pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.

CNN just featured some high-level flunkee from the Sears Tower management office who stated that our security is the "best in the business." (You'd think he was running for office!)

This crack security team is the same group of folks who recently trashed a local restaurant's food cart when they tried to make a delivery in the building but doesn't bat an eye when my outsdoorsy colleagues carry in several highly flammable cooktops for camping.

I carry a backpack and a purse to work every morning. I usually place the backpack on the conveyor belt so that the security guard can scan it (if he's looking at the screen and not chatting with a coworker). THEY DON'T SCAN MY PURSE....EVER!

Yep, just gives you that warm and cozy feeling of safety, don't it???

Crumbs to a starving person

"I'm glad you handled everything."

I had to hold onto the corner of a desk to keep from falling down when one of our bosses said this to me today, the first day of a local conference at which my company exhibits. This guy has been here for over two years, but is just NOW learning some of the many reasons that I am a valuable employee (any why our new CEO is thrilled that I still work here after eight years).

The Exhibitors' Handbook instructed participants to send all of their conference materials to a conference services company, located about an hour away in the far northwest suburbs.

Our company, however, is located about a mile from the conference site, a veritable hop, skip and a jump away.

I dutifully ignored the silly, unnecessarily expensive shipping instructions and sent our materials directly the show site via a local messenger service.

Why was this a stroke of genius?

1) shipping costs will be approximately one-third to one-quarter of those from the conference services company, and
2) our materials arrived on site in one complete shipment unlike one of our competitor's materials, which were somehow shipped to Milwaukee!!!

Music to my ears!

Slow sports day

What's going on over at ESPN??? Since I work in an international company, we've been watching World Cup Soccer. Okay, the "foreigners" are watching and the Americans are enjoying a diversion from internet surfing.

First off, what the HELL, US team!?!?!? You guys looked like shit! Getting beat, 3-0 in the first round?!?!? We shoulda sent the Chicago Fire! I hear they're pretty good.

I left the televisions on ESPN after the soccer game (mostly because I was busy doing actual WORK, believe it or not!) and when I looked up, ESPN was broadcasting...get ready for this...CHAMPIONSHIP DOMINOES! No kidding! We didn't have the sound on, so I couldn't hear any of the commentary, but it appeared that the teams were made up of four black men.

Did R. Kelly finally get a new hobby?

15 seconds of fame, again

Yep, that's me you're seeing on our public television station in Chicago. According to one viewer/colleague in my office, I am now a celebrity.

Well, I don't know about that.

I think it was last year, I'm not sure. Anyway, I was standing in front of Wrigley Field before a Cubs game (rare occasion, I know) and some guy from Channel 11 came up to me and asked me if I wanted to do a station ID.

Those of you that know me know how shy I am. Wait, wait...I have to stop laughing so I can type this...

Anyway, I watch public television from time to time, so I knew what he was talking about when he asked about the station ID. They appear at the "top of the hour" and usually feature one or two Chicagoans doing whatever (selling hot dogs, delivering newspapers, waiting to buy Cubs tickets) who look at the camera and say, "Hi, I'm ..... You're watching Channel 11, WTTW Chicago" or something to that effect.

When my station ID started appearing last year, I was approached by random people who recognized me. It was pretty weird. The security guard from the building where I work saw the station ID, my aunt who was visiting from Florida saw it (and hence my mom), an ex-boyfriend saw it.

Wonder who will see me this year?

Next!

It seems as though my social dance card is once again empty...or at least the pickings are VERY slim. Let's review:

The Announcer
After meeting him at a Cubs game several weeks ago and receiving an invitation to meet him in Milwaukee soon after, I never heard from him again. However, I had already purchased tickets to the Cubs/Nationals game in DC in July, so I'm weighing my options on whether or not to call him before I arrive in DC.

Status: Acquaintances, if that.


The Editor
Having met him for dinner, drinks and an unexpected goodnight kiss, I wasn't particularly surprised to find that he was looking for a date for an upcoming wedding. I have no interest in him as a friend much less as a potential date, so I politely declined the invitation.

Status: Dead in the water as far as I'm concerned.


Dancing Lawyer
He's been out of town the past few weekends, but he's managed to keep in touch via cell phone even when I was in St. Louis. If I could surgically remove several wonderful features of the Dancing Lawyer (good job, attentiveness, good manners) and insert them into an older, more sophisticated, more attractive, more wordly man - what a catch that would be!!!

Status: Terminal.

Flight Attendant
Quite possibly the worst would-be boyfriend (even if he didn't live out of town). Invited me to a Cubs game waaaayy in advance and then didn't contact me AT ALL until one hour (!) before said game! Uh, yeah, right! Since then, he's texted me a few times when he watching a Cubs game and he thinks I might be too. Too much work on my part for too little return. And he's not that cute.

Status: Not worth more than an occasional text, if that! DOA.

In light of this, I've decided to jump into summer with both feet and be EVERYWHERE! (Okay, even if Mother Nature isn't quite cooperating with her crappy 60s and 70s-ish weather!!!). So far, the activities include:
- a graduate school grad party tonight with FC2
- a day of volunteer service tomorrow (also with FC2) that should include painting and or planting stuff.
- bleacher seats for a Cubs night game on Wednesday.
- corporate outing at Arlington Park Racecourse in a few weeks.
- bar-b-q at Violet's place next week.
- volunteer bartending job for one night at a HUGE street festival in July.
- beach volleyball on Wednesday nights.

With all of that people-meeting, I hope my dance card won't be empty for long! Anybody wanna join me??

Best t-shirt seen in St. Louis

The front: "Caution: inebriated Cubs fan"




The back:

In enemy territory without reinforcements

On a whim, I decided to roadtrip to St. Louis and support my Cubs in their efforts against the rat-bastard Cardinals. Keep in mind that my boys are languishing in fifth place while St. Louis sits atop the division.
Here is my weekend, by the numbers:
300 - number of miles between Chicago and St. Louis.
3.5 - number of hours it took me to get to St. Louis on Saturday morning
0 - number of speeding tickets received (whew!)
2 - number of games my Cubs took from the Cardinals (of a 3-game series YAY!)
4 - number of blocks from the new Busch Stadium my hotel was located
3 - number of drinks offered to me by locals
65 - age of first St. Louis man I met (investment banker who drives a pickup truck...seriously!)
5 - number of Chicago Cubs personnel I met while at dinner Saturday night (including Dusty Baker, Ryan Dempster, Glendon Rusch, Derrek Lee and Jacque Jones)
11 - time of evening that Dancing Lawyer called me after I texted him about Cubs encounter.
88 - dollars spent on each ticket in the elite section of the new Busch Stadium
7 - inning in which the supposedly "elite" food court closed!
69 - price of my hotel room (and a Radisson next to the Arch, no less!)
15.75 - dollars spent to buy a flame-baked pizza and a large beer at Busch

The look on closer Ryan Dempster's face when a young Cubs fan repeatedly called to him to get an autograph - - except that he called him "Kerry Wood!"

PRICELESS!

What.do.you.want?

Looking back on my "date" with The Editor, I don't think I mentioned that I came right out and asked him why he contacted me. Honestly, I didn't give a rat's ass about how the evening ended and if I was being abrupt. I mean JEEZ! we hadn't seen each other in over six years!

His answer?

"Well, I was thinking about you and when that basketball tournament came up, I knew you'd be interested in helping out."

NOT!!!

After the kiss, I knew the out-of-the-blue call had nothing to do with some shitty basketball tournament. But it gets better.

Friday: we met for drinks and dinner.

Saturday: email from The Editor thanking me for meeting him and saying he'll call me soon.

WHY???

On Monday, the other shoe finally dropped. The Editor sent me another email, asking me if I'd be interested in going to a wedding with him in June.

A HA!!

How do I nicely say, "not a chance in hell!"?

Life Lessons I Learned from Baseball

1. Although you are ultimately responsible only for your own behavior, you will attain greater success if you work well with others.
2. Patience pays off.
3. Sometimes you have to make a small sacrifice for the greater good.
4. Don't make other people feel bad about their failure even when you succeed.
5. Try your hardest all the time and your efforts will eventually be rewarded.
6. Listen to your body's needs. If you're hurt, don't push it.
7. Use the right equipment for your job.
8. If you are fortunate enough to have a veteran near you, ask them questions and then LISTEN!
9. Sometimes you have to take risks to reap big benefits.
10. Flash can lead to fame, but consistency leads to longevity.

Drinks with The Editor

So The Editor and I made plans to meet at a downtown bar after work Friday. He was driving from the far south suburbs and I was taking the "L" from the other side of downtown, so I wasn't surprised when I didn't see him when I walked in.

Since it was a beautifully warm afternoon, I raced up to the bar's rooftop deck when I arrived at 5-ish. The plan was to meet at 5:15-5:30, so I grabbed a quick beer and found a spot at a table. The Editor and I worked together for seven years in the sports department of a south suburban newspaper, but I hadn't seen him in about that many years.

Okay, this might sound bad, but I really didn't care if I saw The Editor or not. We were business friends* years ago, but not having him in my life in the past six or seven years hasn't exactly left a gaping hole. I admit to an itty-bitty amount of curiosity about his re-appearance in my life, but I certainly wouldn't die if I didn't find out.

So 5:15 passes and no Editor. 5:30 comes and goes. It's now 5:45 and I'm thinking that he should call if he's stuck in traffic or lost, so I call his cell phone.

He's downstairs at the bar and has been for over an hour! Says he'll finish his beer and be up in a little while.

Not surprisingly, he looks the same, but older. We have the type of conversation that you'd expect: reminiscing about people from the newsroom, sharing bits of updated info about our lives, wondering aloud about former colleagues with whom we've lost touch.

We decided to go downstairs and get some food, which The Editor ended up paying for. I was irritated because I had planned on paying my part (as friends do).

He said, "You can get the next one."

Um, what?

Leaving the restaurant, The Editor offered a ride home, but I preferred to take the "L" and end the evening soon. We hugged and then I found myself on the unavoidable end of a kiss!

So there it was, Date #4 whether I wanted it or not.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Business friends - - people with whom you have a temporary friendship because you work together. You probably wouldn't be friends without the work relationship.

Reaching out

Not sure why, but I responded to the email from The Editor and made plans to meet him at an outdoor watering hole tonight after work. He originally wanted to know if I had any plans to be in his neighborhood (since I haven't been in his neighborhood in at least 10 years, I'd say no!)

Anyhoo, The Editor and I worked together about 10 years ago in the sports department of a medium-sized newspaper in the south suburbs. It was a pretty small department, probably seven or eight of us and we often hung out together, despite the fact that I was the only woman on the staff. There is one other fellow sportswriter that I see probably every year or two, but that's it for "keeping in touch."

I've moved on from that life (pretty far removed, I think), so I'm pretty curious as to why he contacted me. Unless his life has dramatically changed, he still lives in the same house, is friends with the same people and works with many of the same individuals that he has for the past, oh, 20 years or so!

He's never been married, never had kids, never traveled outside the US and probably never eaten anything more exotic than tacos.

What does he want with me?

Plan B

In an uncharacteristically disciplined move, I managed to plan and execute a three-day-a-week workout for a whole six months! The result?

Zilch! Absolutely no weight loss and no inches lost. I know they say "you're clothes will fit better." Bullshit! WTF?!?!

Those readers that actually know me in person know that I'm not fat. Far from it. I realize that, but I also know that in the last five years, I've gained a total of 15 pounds. I hadn't gained that much in the previous 15 years combined! When you're small, 15 pounds is like tying a pillow around your ass and trying to slip on a knit skirt over it.

Anyway, I've decided to go to Plan B.

Food is one of my favorite four-letter words, so Plan B might be tough to implement, but I'm going to give it a try...for two weeks. During this time, I will eat no white bread and no sugar. I didn't read this diet recipe in a book or hear about it on Oprah. It's just something I thought I'd try. To see if it makes a difference.

If, after two weeks, I see a difference, maybe I'll continue with it. We'll see.

We're talking no hot dogs, pizza or pretzels at Wrigley Field and no candy or ice cream after lunch at work. This is going to be hard work!

But here's the thing: It's "shorts" season and I'm getting tired of looking down and seeing jello!

Considering I have a bagel for breakfast almost every day and chocolate at least twice a week, you can see that I will have a problem with this. Do you realize how hard it is to avoid white bread when the lunch options in the city revolve around burgers, pizza and sandwiches??

So I am asking you, my lovely, no-doubt healthier-eating readers, to help me plan some meals. Please keep in mind that one cup of fruit in the morning will NOT keep me going until lunchtime!

My ass, abs and thighs thank you!

Dating 101

So there I am last night, watching my beloved Cubs get their asses kicked by the God-forsaken Florida Marlins when my cell phone rings.

It's the Dancing Lawyer.

Honestly! I think he must've read "See Dick Date" or maybe "Dating for Dummies" because he's been incredibly by-the-book this whole time. For example,

1) he called me mid-week to plan a weekend date,
2) he selected a good restaurant (not too cheap/pricey/far away/strange food),
3) he did not keep me out ridiculously late on our date, and
4) he called me on Monday to say "hello" and see if I enjoyed the rest of my weekend.

Geez!

In a weird twist of cell phone fate, DL called just as I was busy answering a text from Flight Attendant. He sent a txt telling me that he was attending the aforementioned Cubs game, where he was sitting and what he was wearing. (No, I didn't spot him on TV.)

Can I get a show of hands to see who thought I would hear from FA again after our Cubs-game-date debacle?

Curiously enough, I think FA might invite me to another Cubs game. As I was deleting old text messages from him, I found one from a few weeks ago where he lists the games he will see in Chicago - - including games this Saturday and Sunday. We'll see if I get an invitation with more than an hour or so to spare.

I mean, seriously, didn't he read the book?

Song of my life

I went on a dinner date with Dancing Lawyer on Saturday night. We dined at a cute little family-owned Italian restaurant, a safe choice for a first date.

I don't know why I bothered to convene the wardrobe congress to decide my attire when Dancing Lawyer arrived dressed as though he just crawled out of bed: jeans, an unironed and untucked white dress shirt with the cuffs rolled over and the neck unbuttoned to display a white undershirt.

On the evening that we met, DL's hair situation was a mystery since he wore a baseball cap (backwards) all evening. This night, however, the thin blond coif was gelled into a stunted rhino horn. Add to that the slight goatee and he seemed to be quite...pointed. If his hair had been dark, he would've made a great Satan.

In a surprisingly thoughtful move, DL remembered part of our initial conversation and asked me about a situation at my office. I jumped in with what I hoped was an interesting (and not too long) story of international business. He bounced back with his own company's travails and the evening's conversation volleyed back and forth at a good pace.

He spoke of planning a trip with his brother. I REALLY didn't want to hit the "how old are you?" button, so I sidestepped it with "just one brother? older or younger?"

His older brother is 30!

I forced a forkful of gnocchi in my mouth (since it was already hanging open) and tried to think of a new topic - quick!

By dinner's end, I had decided that my new social strategy will include dating in bulk: if I can't get quality, go for quantity.

Stopping in the ladies room while DL paid the bill, I froze in my tracks when a line from the recorded background music hit my ears.

"They're all either too young or too old."

Another station heard from

I get a lot of spam. Okay, everybody gets lots of spam. Usually, I just delete it without opening it, but today something seemed familair about one email although I didn't recognize the sender's name.

So I opened it.

"Hey Writer,
It was nice getting to catch up with you a little bit over the weekend. This week's a bit busy with volleyball and softball, but maybe we can get together next Friday. Let me know what works for you.
The Editor"

Okay, so it wasn't really signed "The Editor" but you know how things work on the Internet (protecting privacy and all that).

Trouble was, I sat there thinking, "Who is the Editor?" Did I meet somebody by that name while out with FC2? At a Cubs game maybe?

I racked my brain for an answer.

The Editor? The Editor? Who is this guy?

Well, let's see: there's FA, Lion King, Cub Fan, the Announcer, Dancing Lawyer...jeez! did somebody dip me in pheromones while I was sleeping or what??

Life, love and the infield fly rule

Luck. Chance. Fate. Or for the really melodramatic among us- destiny. Do we have any takers? Does anybody really believe in this stuff or are the chapters of our lives full of random occurrences?

I don't know, but today seemed to have the full rollercoaster of ups and downs, luck-wise.

As you probably remember, I was supposed to attend Wednesday night's Cubs game with FA, but he was a no-show...or so I thought when I accepted Announcer's offer of a free ticket and a few drinks after the game.

Gametime: 7:05. My cell phone rang Wednesday evening at 6 pm. It was a text message from FA. He had just landed in the crummy, rainy weather and would contact me when he got closer. I started to fume about his last-minute check-in, but then I realized that I already had fabulous plans for the evening. The "nice person" in me decided that if I contacted FA quickly, he could offer his other ticket to a coworker, so I texted back.

"No word from you, so I made other plans. Sorry."

His reply.

"I wasn't home all week. My fault."

Pretty lame excuse for someone that travels for a living and loves to communicate via text message!

Anyway, I went to the game and Announcer left a very good ticket for me. He called me from the booth just before the game started and we made plans to meet after the game (which the Cubs won!!)

Oh, and before the game started, I checked my phone and saw that I missed a call from the Dancing Lawyer. I met him last week when FC2 and I went out for a stroll down Clark Street. Nice guy, good conversation, but two problems: 1) too young, and, 2) not physically attractive to me. But I decided I could always go out with him at least once. You never know.

But I digress...

Dinner plans fell through when the game ran late, so Announcer and I grabbed a snack and some drinks nearby. I had almost forgotten that he's pretty well known in Chicago (even on the North Side), so I was almost surprised and a bit annoyed when a few other sports fan interrupted our conversation throughout the evening.

Announcer suggested I drive up to Milwaukee to see his team play in a few weeks, even offering me a team schedule, so I didn't forget. Oh, in case I haven't mentioned it before, nothing physical has happened...at least nothing more than a hug and a kiss on the cheek. And he took my arm when we left the ballpark. It's all very casual, which is good.

Today (Thursday) I took a "personal day" off from work. Okay, so I took a day off to see Kerry Wood in his first game since last year. I'm a big baseball fan, sue me!

I couldn't reach Announcer to tell him I would be there (although I'm pretty sure I mentioned it earlier). But after winning a replica 1955 Jackie Robinson Dodgers Jersey in a scratch-off drawing, I was excited to tell somebody, but I couldn't find anyone!!!

So I sent a text to FA.

He texted back to congratulate me and said he was in Aisle 34 (about six sections over from me). Did he ask where I was sitting?
No.

Did he suggest we meet up after the game?
No.

Did he tell me when he'll be in town next?
No.

Yep, NEXT!

I had left a message earlier for Announcer and, in my excitement from winning the jersey, tried to call him a second time. Oooh, cardinal sin! Two messages from one woman in less than two hours! How needy!

Needless to say, I wasn't going to call him.

Here's where fate/luck/destiny jumps in. I was leaving the ballpark pretty late (as usual) and I stopped in the ladies room near the bleachers. I had planned to take the Red Line home and that's the closest exit. Upon leaving the loo, who do I run into? Announcer!

He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and said he was going to call me but he didn't have any signal. We chatted for about 15 minutes and he reminded me about the Milwaukee games. I showed him the jersey and he was very impressed. He said he'd call me before the Milwaukee series, gave me a hug and another kiss on the cheek and boarded the team bus for the airport.

So, friends and neighbors, here's the scorecard as it stands now:

FA - a goner unless some amazingly gutsy/thoughtful/romantic steps are taken on his part.

Announcer- still in friends stage, I think. Don't know if anything will ever develop. Not sure if I want it to considering the age difference and geography.

Dancing Lawyer - date planned for Saturday night. We'll see.

Pinch-hitter

The Cubs game starts in 6 hours and I have heard NOTHING from FA regarding our plan to attend the game together. Am I upset?

Actually, no. For two reasons:
1) since FA lives in Florida, had a number of little-boy-in-grown-man's-body issues, and wasn't all that cute anyway, the boyfriend possibility was minimal, and
2) not one, but TWO guys offered to leave me a free ticket if I want to come to tonight's game!

Okay, don't get too excited about #2 because one of them is a Cubs security guy (married) and the other one is an announcer for the Washington Nationals (not sure on the married thing, but he's considerably older than me).

A little background...Firecracker, FC2, Golden Girl and I attended last night's game and had a little early celebration for FC2's birthday. After the Cubs won (yay!! it's about time!!), all of us except Firecracker went over to one of the local watering holes.

When we arrived, I ran into a sportswriter friend of mine that covers the Cubs. We chatted for a bit and then he disappeared into the crowd. About 20 minutes later, I got the feeling that I should go and find him again. When I did, he was talking to the Announcer and was kind enough to introduce me.

Announcer offered to leave me a ticket for tonight's game and in doing so, gave me his cell phone number and told me where he's staying and his room number. Oh, did I mention that he used to be a professional baseball player?

Yep, it was an interesting evening. Wonder what tonight will bring?

Keeping the door open

A few years back, I dated a guy who got angry when he discovered that I was still listed on the online dating service Match.com while we were dating. He was really mad, or maybe he was hurt, I don't know, but he wanted me to de-activate my profile. Whatever.

I never expected to find "my soulmate" on Match, so it didn't really matter to me that my profile was still active. Before you start to wonder, no! I'm not active on Match.com anymore.

Anyway, I was really bored at home the other night, so I thought I'd see if the Match.com talent pool was as shallow now as it was then. Surprisingly enough, my specifc search turned up quite a few attractive men. And then I came across one that I recognized. It took a few minutes, but I realized that the guy lives down the hall from me...with his girlfriend and her daughter!

Wonder if she'd be as angry as my boyfriend was?