What is it about the combination of meeting new people, physical exertion and alcohol that quickly turns the conversation to sex?
After subbing in on a friend's co-ed rec volleyball team, the gang retired to a Lincoln Park bar.
Pitchers of beer: $6
Chicken or beef tacos: $1
Sex quiz: priceless
Okay, it didn't start out as a sex quiz as much as it was the team's attempt to figure out my perfect guy, my perfect date and my, ummm, "preferences."
I mean, PLEASE!!, my perfect guy is a conglomeration of several guys and outside of Frankenstein, I don't think they let you do that!
Although, while I'm on the topic, what ever happened to guys that like sports?!?! Honestly, most of the guys I meet (okay the few I've met lately) tell me that they're not really into sports. What planet are these guys from??
My perfect date? Well, that depends on the guy. Drinks at the 95th and dinner at Gibson's. Cubs game and beer at Murphy's or Bernie's. Bike riding down the lakefront to a southside beach. Thai food and lemonade at a neighborhood festival. People-watching at the international terminal at O'Hare (back when you could actually watch the arrivals). They were all great, for different reasons. Most of my best dates were great because they were creative and gave us an opportunity to get to KNOW each other!
Of course, then the team got down and dirty with the REAL questions:
What body type do you prefer a man have (ie. athletic type) - -baseball player or swimmer
Name the craziest place you've ever "done it" - - board room of a bank
What's your favorite position? - - woman on top (okay, I'm a control freak, sue me!)
As far as the position conversation....I have to say that most of the guys in the group (and one woman) preferred "doggy style." What they might not realize is that position doesn't work well for men that are, well,...not as well endowed. Well, it works okay for the guy, but not so well for the woman (and I speak from experience here!)
Oh, back to the questions..The men on the team all wanted to know (rather urgently, I must say) what is considered great foreplay.They couldn't quite get their minds around the idea that, for a lot of women, foreplay is a lot more than just a backrub or blowing in their ear.
Bringing home a nice bottle of wine to have with dinner. Conversing about trivial things while making dinner together and then washing and drying dishes together. Sitting together on the couch to watch a funny movie on DVD and remembering that she's ticklish behind her knee. The tickling becomes more intense until clothes are being removed and the DVD is paused....
The foreplay started when the man arrived home with the bottle of wine.
Does anybody GET THIS?
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Ways to alleviate boredom at the office
I used to be pretty good and truth or dare. And, YES, I have done (and still do) several of these dares! Pretty fun!
1-POINT DARES
1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
3) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
4) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
5) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,
"Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
6) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
7) While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
2-POINT DARES
1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with
double-barreled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that? I don't want to have to repeat it."
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do NOT disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
5-POINT DARES
1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."
4) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for 1 hour.
5) While an officemate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
6) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up! All of you just shut up!"
7) In a colleague's DAY PLANNER, write in the 10am slot: "See how I look in tights."(5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)
8) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
9) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I don't want to talk about it."
10) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a
lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
11) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
12) Hang a 2' long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
13) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
14) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.
And if that wasn't enough for you...
How to keep a healthy level of insanity:
1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4) Put your waste basket on your desk and label it "IN".
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
7) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
8) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
9) Sing along at the opera.
10) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
11) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
12) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
13) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
14) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
1-POINT DARES
1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
3) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
4) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
5) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,
"Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
6) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
7) While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
2-POINT DARES
1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with
double-barreled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that? I don't want to have to repeat it."
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do NOT disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
5-POINT DARES
1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."
4) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for 1 hour.
5) While an officemate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
6) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up! All of you just shut up!"
7) In a colleague's DAY PLANNER, write in the 10am slot: "See how I look in tights."(5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)
8) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
9) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I don't want to talk about it."
10) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a
lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
11) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
12) Hang a 2' long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
13) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
14) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.
And if that wasn't enough for you...
How to keep a healthy level of insanity:
1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4) Put your waste basket on your desk and label it "IN".
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
7) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
8) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
9) Sing along at the opera.
10) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
11) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
12) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
13) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
14) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
I bored, he bored, she bored, all aboard!
Thousands of gray cells jumping,
one by one,
into the abyss of ennui.
Eyes scorched into chalk marbles,
transfixed to a glowing blue frame.
Can a person actually physically DIE OF BOREDOM???
one by one,
into the abyss of ennui.
Eyes scorched into chalk marbles,
transfixed to a glowing blue frame.
Can a person actually physically DIE OF BOREDOM???
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)