Sex, drugs and Iowa farmboys

You know it's going to be an interesting evening when a total stranger compares you to heroin.
Or maybe he was offering some...

I don't know.

Anyway, Firecracker, FC2 and I headed out for dinner and some fun on Saturday. As we finished our dinners, an older businessman passed by our table and said something about heroin as he pointed at me, mentioned marijuana and pointed at FC2 and said "neither" when he motioned to Firecracker.

We all sat there in stunned confusion.

"Huh?"

Without any explanation, the stranger walked away and out of the restaurant. Is it a full moon or what?

Strolling over to one of the city's biggest Irish bars, the three of us made our way up to the top floor where a live band was belting out Irish songs of all kinds, including U2. At one point, a cute blond guy approached me and asked if I'd do him a favor.

"Um, maaayybeee."

It seems we had stumbled upon a bachelor party featuring a groom from Sioux City, Iowa and a gang of fellas who hauled ass into Chicago in an RV.
No shit.

Groom was marrying cute blond guy's sister and cute blond guy was married to groom's sister. I know what you're thinking...are you sure they're from Iowa and not Alabama??

The favor was pretty tame by Saturday-night-in-Chicago standards: deposit a big I Love Lucy-style lipstick smooch on his cheek.

Sure! Why not? After planting one on Groom, he asked if he could "dip" me and pretend to kiss me. (Great! I only get the pretend kiss! Life is sooo not fair!)

Little did our group know, but that was only the beginning.

The Iowa boys seem to be making up Groom's "to do" list as they went along and I'm thinking they saw some of this stuff in movies. Pretty soon FC2 and Groom were chatting, only to disappear into the crowd moments later.

Firecracker and I looked at each other and shrugged.

Groom emerged from the crowd two minutes later WEARING FC2's PANTIES ON HIS HEAD!!!
She gave us a big smile and flashed the finder's fee she received. (Was this in Sixteen Candles?)

Okay, now she was on a roll and the farmers seemed to agree.

Next up? A body shot!

Before we knew it, FC2 was laid out on the table amidst the Iowa contingent with her shirt rolled partially up. Why roll the shirt up? To make space for the salt, of course!

A shot glass of tequila was placed just under her boobs and a lime slice between her lips. As Firecracker and I watched, Groom licked the salt off FC2's belly, drank the shot and kissed the lime from her mouth.

Yee-hah!!

I think the farmers were pretty floored by our Chicago hospitality. I also think they were all out of ideas by now (and probably out of money, too, as they bought Buttery Nipples for Firecracker and FC2 and a Jagermeister for me.)

It was put-up or shut-up time and the Iowa boys were all about shutting up, especially since almost all of them were married. It was just as well, as it was closing time and my tired ass was ready to go home.

Never did figure out the whole heroin, marijuana or neither thing...